Rashomon

I usually put up photo stills from the movies I review but this movie sucked so I didn’t bother.  I’m not into Asian chicks but when I heard that this movie was about a rape scene from four different points of view, so you get to see the rape scene four separate times from four different camera angles, can you imagine my excitement.  But my anticipation turned to disappointment when I put the disc in and discovered a few things.  First off it’s in black and white.  That means not color.  I don’t understand why people back in those days felt they had to shoot movies in black and white instead of color, maybe they thought it was artsy or something, it just looks B-O-R-I-N-G.  Somebody told me that maybe they just didn’t have the technology to afford shooting movies in color back then.  I guess that makes anyway.  Second, well I knew it was Japanese geisha girl but hey skin is skin.  But that’s the most disappointing part, cause they don’t even show any skin!  That is false advertising.  They advertise that this is gonna be a sexy film with an extended rape scene shown four times in a row, but they don’t even show that scene.  They show him pulling her down and this look of sweet horror on her face, and you’re getting all excited, and then……they cut away!  NOOO!  Don’t build up my expectations and then pull away like some frigid cocktease!

        The plot is pretty simple.  This wild and horny bandit man living alone out in the woods spots a carriage on a lonesome dirt road carrying a husband and wife.  He ain’t seen a woman in way too long, living out in the woods by hisself getting all scraggly, he got that greaseball biker ain’t bathed in six months look down good.  He thinks the wife is pretty hot.  So he pretends to need help and lures the husband out in the woods, where he knocks him out and ties him to a tree.  Now that the husband is out of the way, he’s free to have his wicked way with the lady.  But when he gets back to the carriage, he’s so pissed off at the husband getting to bone that meat all those nights before, he’s gonna get his revenge at the husband, and get his revenge good.  So he takes the lady by the hand and leads her to the place in the woods where he’s tied hubbie up.  She takes one look at her husband and one look at the bandit and then the horrible truth hits her as with one big malicious grin the bandit rips off her kimono and ravishes her, while her husband helplessly writhes in agony watching it the whole time.  And it must hurt even worse when the rape transforms into lovemaking as the bandit proves a greater lover than her husband.  Once again manhood proves stronger than coy female resistance.  After they finish, she begs the bandit to take her away with him.  After she got and got it good from a real man, her husband just can’t satisfy her sexually ever again.  But for some reason the bandit doesn’t go for that.  He kills her husband and she escapes, and a woman scorned is a woman pissed off, so she turns the bandit in and they take him to court and the bandit gets executed.  The four people who tell the story are the wife, the husband, the bandit, and some random dude walking along the road who sees it all but doesn’t do anything to stop it.  Coward.

        The other thing about this movie is that it’s not in English.  It’s all in Japanese, so you have to read the words at the bottom of the screen because they’re speaking in some incomprehensible gibberish.  Movies are supposed to be fun and having to read all those words all the time is too much work.  It starts to hurt your brain.  I hate having to work at trying to understand what foreigners are saying, I can’t understand why they all can’t speak English all over the world.  It really sucks being me because I have to live with foreigners all my life because they won’t let me back in my own country.  All because some bitch wouldn’t keep her mouth shut.  I’d like to go back to America some day but the Man has arrest warrants waiting on me back home so I got to stay over here, where my parents’ lawyers say they can’t extradite me.  America has the death penalty so some countries like France and Sweden and Canada and places like that consider it inhumane to send me back to a country like America where I could be killed for the oh so horrible “crime” of sticking my dick in a hole where it’s not been invited.

        Maybe I should have gone to Japan.  Maybe I should go there some day.  I hear the Japanese have a very healthy attitude towards rape.  They have these comic books where schoolgirls get raped by octopuses and they have this superhero called Rapeman who’s like the Japanese version of Superman.  He goes around breaking into women’s apartments and raping them for fun and it’s a comic book and it’s big in Japan and it’s cool.  Plus like the age of consent is only 13.  And I hear that you can walk onto a train and grope all the women you want, because all the Japanese guys do it to the women on the train, it’s like totally socially acceptable.  The Japanese women don’t seem to mind in fact they actually enjoy being raped, that’s what I’m told.  You can read all about it in these Japanese comic books.  It sounds like paradise.  If the women had bigger tits that is.