Thelma and Louise: A Road Trip Into Insanity

A powerful condemnation of the perils of the neurotic, man-hating philosophy of feminism, this harrowing film follows two women, Thelma (Geena Davis) and Louise (Susan Sarandon), down into a horrifying descent into personal hell as they slowly lose their minds and grip on reality.  They start out relatively normal people, a couple of girls out on the weekend for a girls' night out.  Thelma is a good wife with a good husband who inexplicably chooses as her best friend the bitter, haggard, slightly mentally unhinged Louise.  On their weekend out, they stop by a bar to have a few drinks and party.  Thelma has a few too many drinks and lets loose, dancing with a guy she just met, and starts feeling frisky.  Old seven year itch, heh.  Poor hubbie.  Alcohol is a great excuse to let go and do anything you want, you can follow your secret desires, like committing adultery with a stranger, and in the morning say, "Oops!  It wasn't me, it was the alcohol!" Bullshit!  Women try to use that lame ass excuse all the time, but we know the truth!  They deliberately get drunk so that they can have their cake and eat it, too.  They get to get drunk, have wild sex, and wake up in the morning without any guilt because they got "taken advantage of".  Yeah, right.  Being drunk is never an excuse for a guy.  It should never be an excuse for a girl, either.  Double standard.

 

Anyway, the friendly guy she was dancing with, he takes her out to the parking lot to get some fresh air.  She pukes and he, friendly guy that he is, helps her out.  She can't stumble so good so he helps her walk out to her car.  She can't remember where she parked it.  He's been holding on to her body all night and Mr. Happy starts waking up.  He cradles her in her arms, her sweet sexy body swaying next to his.  He's a little drunk himself and drinking makes a body horny.  He politely asks her for a kiss.  He just wants a little warmth and affection.  She doesn't say no, so he leans in for a peck, but for some reason she decides to act coy.  Maybe she's too drunk to know what she's doing or what he's doing.  He tells her that he has no intention of harming her, he's just going to kiss her.  She starts getting irrationally hysterical, wailing and crying even though he hasn't barely laid a hand on her yet.  He knows that this is part of the game, that she really, badly wants it, but that she has to pretend she doesn't to protect her reputation.  She's a good girl.  Yeah, right.  Gets drunk and makes out with strangers at the Dew Drop Inn.  He tries to kiss her again, but she slaps him.  So he slaps her back.  It's all part of the game.  He throws her against a car and snips away at her dress, pawing at her breasts.  OK, up against a car in a parking isn't the best place to have sex, but it's going to be a quickie, and anyway alcohol is fogging their brains.  If only he had the patience to take her away in his car some place more secluded, tragedy could have been avoided.  As he turns her face down on the car and pulls down her dress, exposing her white lace panties and sweet little ass, and is about to unzip and stick it in, Louise has to come in and ruin everything.  He tries to tell her that it's private business, to not interfere with two other people trying to have sex, but little busybody Louise butts in where she doesn't belong anyway.  She puts a gun to his head and forces him to get off Thelma.  Thelma is crying because it's embarrassing to have someone else catch you in the middle of sex, and because something that was starting to get good was rudely interrupted by her so-called friend.  You see, the subtext of this film is, Louise is secretly a lesbian and she not only hates all men, she has a deep, abiding crush on Thelma.  She can't stand to see a man put his dick in the woman she loves.  Louise also has a deep and abiding loathing of the penis.  Friendly guy, he don't know that, so that when he makes a peace offering, by offering his cock for her pleasure in sucking, she goes unreasonably ballistic and shoots him, murdering him in cold blood.  All for him playing with Thelma's panties.  Like he said, they were just having a good time, and Louise had to barge in and spoil the fun.  "When a woman's crying like that, she isn't having a good time...." oh bullshit!  Maybe she's crying in ecstacy and excitement, ever think of that?  People cry from happiness same as pain.  Especially women when they're having sex.  As you are slamming it in, to the inexperienced male it sounds like she's crying in pain and that you're hurting her, but those are actually shrieks and moans of pleasure.  She's crying in what sounds like pain because she's enjoying it.  Figure it out.  Chicks are weird.

 

Louise convinces Thelma not to call the cops, even though Louise bears all the guilt, and Thelma was only a witness to Louise's crime.

They are in Arkansas and decide that they must escape to Mexico.  But for some reason Louise insists that they avoid Texas.  Now even a person as mentally challenged as Thelma can look at a map and see that between Mexico and Arkansas is nothing but Texas.  They're going to have to travel a loooong way round if they're going to avoid Texas.  Louise claims that it was because she was raped in Texas, but I suspect the real reason is that she's just fucking crazy.

 

As they travel through Oklahoma, a fat, middle-aged, bald truck driver sees two lovely ladies driving alone in the desert and decides on a whim to try his luck.  Sure, he's a little long in the tooth, but what the hey.  He flirts with them a little but they don't go for it.  He's too old and ugly for them.  But then Louise gets a wicked grin and pulls the car over, enticing the truck driver.  Where I come from that's called entrapment and is illegal.  As he gets out to talk to them, Louise suddenly starts giving him a tongue lashing, going off on a warped feminist harangue.  Then she lights a fire and throws it at his truck, blowing it up.  The girls take off, leaving the poor old man stranded in the desert, far from civilization.  At his advanced age he probably died within a few hours of heat exhaustion and dehyrdration.  Louise callously doesn't care.  All of this just for sticking his tongue out at them.

 

Next they pull out somewhere in New Mexico and Thelma sees a hunky hitchhiker she's all horny for.  Louise doesn't want to pick him up because she still has hopes for seducing Thelma herself, but Thelma insists so much that Louise gives in.  The guy is Brad Pitt.  Thelma and Brad go to a motel and have sex.  Thelma claims that this is the first time she's ever enjoyed sex and had an orgasm.

 

Now hold on one minute.  WTF?  What kind of message is this supposed to send?  That unless a guy looks like Brad Pitt, he can't give a woman an orgasm?  What sexist garbage!  Ordinary, average looking guys can't please a woman!?   Fuck you.  I said, FUCK YOU.  What an irresponsible, anti-man message.  If women were comfortable with their bodies, they can always have an orgasm.  Guys always can because we are comfortable with our bodies and know what we are doing with our bodies.  The only reason that some women can't have orgasms is that they don't know what they are doing.  Get more comfortable with masturbation and learning how to pleasure your own body and then you'll never have any trouble knowing what to do during sex.  It is not the guy's fault a woman can't get off.  Take responsibility for your own orgasms.  It's your fault if you can't get yourself off.

 

In order to poison their blossoming love relationship, Louise sneaks in at night and steals Thelma's money, and then in the morning while Louise tells Brad to go to the store, she wakes up Thelma, who notices the money is missing, and thinks it's Brad who done it, and so Louise quickly tells her that they gotta go, and go quick, and when Brad comes back they're gone, and he's left bewildered wondering where they gone away.

 

Meanwhile the cops are on their trail for killing a defenseless man, and have been pursuing Thelma and Louise for several weeks.  Finally, the cops got them cornered.  Now, Thelma did nothing, so all she has to do is turn herself in and she gets off scot free.  But Thelma ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer, and Louise convinces her that she's in trouble, too.  Louise knows that after killing two men, one by gun and one by blowing up his truck and leaving him to die in the desert, she faces the death penalty, and will probably get it.  She's going to die either way.  Also, if she gets sent to prison, she will probably never see Thelma again, and Thelma will go back to her husband or find a new lover.  NO!  Louise shrieks in her mind.  If I can't have Thelma, ain't NOBODY never gonna have Thelma.  In her deranged little peanut brain mind, Louise sees only one option.  As the cops draw a dragnet around them, Louise tells Thelma that they ought to keep on going.  Thelma looks at her, "Whut?" and before Thelma's puny little brain can get the wheels working to get to the horrible conclusion of what Louise meant, Louise slams on the gas and drives off a cliff, killing them both as the car crashes to the ground in a massive explosion.

 

The End